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My friends and I part ways on the sidewalk. It’s dark now, and we hug goodbye. My first friend is troubled, she hasn’t come to a conclusion. I think about this still, in part because I so miss the world in which we assembled in close quarters, and in part because it has never felt so hard to hold conflicting truths side by side. As the pandemic rolls on, I have never craved certainty as much as I do now. I would like somebody to tell me who is a monster and who is not. Or perhaps the truer statement is that I would like to tell myself and then stop thinking about it. But what is also true is that there is a great relief when you stop trying to pack away your experiences, your feelings, your observations into neat little boxes. The mess is a relief because it is real, and because it leaves space in which we can be surprised—again and again—by how beauty is tucked inside ugliness, how possibility lives inside a dead end—and the reverse, admittedly the reverse: that we are all always capable of causing great harm.
This is not an essay about forgiveness, nor am I advocating for the kind of forgetfulness that men—and institutions—have long practiced when it comes to the trespasses of other men. It is only to say that the best way so far I have found to live, one in which I don’t constantly choke on rage, disbelief and frustration, is to hold in my mind multiple and conflicting truths. To attempt not to reconcile these conflicts, but simply to acknowledge them, side by side. To imagine people as broken mirrors, composed of many many fragments, bright and damaged, each fragment reflecting light in a different way.
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