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 Would I be better off if I let the reality of how COVID-19 has changed all our lives sink in a little bit more? Psychologically, maybe. But I’m also grateful for my lifelong pessimism, because it’s allowed me to get through this year. When all my friends were freaking out in tandem, I was able to provide some small degree of solace; not because I knew anything they didn’t, but because 27 years spent preparing for the worst made me strangely calm when it finally came.

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When I received my first dose of the COVID-19 vaccine last week, I cried without knowing why. I chalked it up to exhaustion and nerves, but now I realize how much my carefully guarded negativity had steeled me against the possibility that anything good might happen. I’m proud of my pessimism, because it got me through, but I might be ready to part with it, too. I’m now looking ahead, trying to combine realistic skepticism of our government’s ability or desire to protect us with confidence that we’re all we’ve got, and we’ll get each other through. It’s so deeply scary to unearth any hope at all after a year like this, but it’s worth it, too.

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